I, Lazarus

Hi.

Lazarus here.

Of Bethany?

Yeah, that Lazarus.

Had a couple of sisters, Mary and Martha.

Fun fact: I’m the only one mentioned by name in a parable.

So that’s cool.

Not sure why Jesus cast me as a beggar, but you know, He is the Son of God, so. I guess He gets to do that.

Figured it was time to clear up some things about what happened.

I mean, I died.

I was dead.

For four days.

And Jesus brought me back to life.

Did anyone ask Him to do that?

No.

Did anyone ask me if I wanted that?

Nope.

But that’s what He does, these miracles.

Sometimes without even being asked.

I mean, no one asked Him.

I sure didn’t.

You know why?

I’d made it.

On the other side.

Not in this house anymore.

Do you know what it’s like to live with your sisters?

Makes it hard to get someone to come back to your place when “your place” is “with your sisters”.

And it’s not like those two are getting married off anytime soon.

Sure, Martha can cook. I mean, she can COOK, but it’s like she was born being 30 years old.

Do you know how old that is?

Old.

And Mary.

I’m still not sure what Mary brings to the table.

Plates, probably.

She can do that.

Most of the time without breaking them.

Dying was great.

I miss it.

When the doctor told my sisters there wasn’t any hope for me, I wept.

Tear of freaking joy.

No more of Martha’s mothering.

No more keeping Mary out of the fire.

I was done.

Headed to the other side.

Had to be better than this.

And it was.

For four whole days?

It was better.

And then I heard Him.

Telling me to “Come forth.”

Who talks like that?

He does.

Uses the same tone when we play checkers.

“King Me!”

Says it just like there’s an actual crown waiting for him at the end.

And I’m not saying Jesus cheats, but He never loses.

Not once.

And we play checkers a lot.

Why?

Because He wants to.

Every time he’s coming over, Martha’s got the board out, telling me I’ve got to play Him again.

And you know what he says when He wins?

“It’s a miracle!”

He’s over here a lot, Him and those disciples of His.

Which means I play a lot of checkers with an audience.

They’re always amazed when He wins, too.

So there I am, minding my own business, on the other side, not playing checkers, and I hear Him.

“Come forth,” He says.

Not like I had a choice, right?

I mean, if I did, I sure wouldn’t have come forth.

I’d have stayed right where I was.

Let someone else get them married off.

You want to show us a miracle, Jesus?

Find a husband for Martha.

Maybe make Mary a little less dim.

But no, He has to raise me from the dead.

Bring me back here.

First thing He did?

Sets up that damn checkers board.

Asks me if I want a game.

Tells me that maybe there’ll be another miracle, and I’ll win one this time.

Yeah, that didn’t happen.

Martha went all out, big spread.

Say this about the people of Bethany, they’ll show up for the resurrected, so long as there’s a buffet.

Probably would have showed up anyway, but the food didn’t hurt.

I thought after being dead for four days, I’d have had more of an appetite, but I just wasn’t hungry.

Not at first, anyway.

That was later, after everyone had left, Mary and Martha had cleaned up, and we were turning in for the night.

Then I was hungry.

Really, really hungry.

There was some lamb left over, and I ate it.

All of it.

Then I was sick.

Everywhere.

Tried again with some cheese.

Whole wheel of it.

I used to love cheese.

Same problem.

Mary must have heard me being sick, so she came to check on me.

Not sure who was more surprised by what happened next, me or Mary?

I’d never had brains before.

I mean, we can eat brains, it’s kosher, so long as the animal they came from is.

I just never had tried brains before then.

And they were Mary’s brains, so I was worried that might make me dumber.

She wasn’t the sharpest, our Mary.

Something woke Martha, and she came out to see what was going on.

Asked me if I knew how long it would take her to clean up the mess.

She didn’t have to worry about that for too long, though.

I thought I’d had enough brains for the night.

Turns out I was wrong.

The good news is, I don’t have to worry about keeping kosher.

I mean, I could, but I don’t think it’s possible to eat the brains of the living.

What was He thinking, anyway?

That I’d rise from the dead and just go back to being the same old Lazarus?

I guess when you’re the Son of God you don’t have to think too much about repercussions.

Or worry about zombies.

You just kind of do stuff.

Comes with the omniscience, I suppose.

Not sure He’s worried about zombies, anyway.

Guess this takes me off His Dad’s “nice” list.

If I ever die again, pretty sure I’ll end up in a very different place.

I wonder what your brain tastes like?

Is that weird?

Probably should go, because if you stay, I’m definitely going to want to find out.